


there were christmases when you were mine

by harlotstarlet



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Lesbian AU, Sadness, idk that's about it, its Christmastime baes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28004127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harlotstarlet/pseuds/harlotstarlet
Summary: Three of the most memorable Christmases in Brooke and Vanessa's relationship.
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	there were christmases when you were mine

**Author's Note:**

> title from "christmases when you were mine" by Taylor swift

_ December 25, 2016 _

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Brooke whispered against Vanessa’s cheek, pressing a kiss there, waking the other girl up slowly. Vanessa cracks open an eye and can’t help the smile that involuntarily spreads across her face when she sees Brooke next to her, warm and cozy in pajamas identical to the ones she wore.

“Merry Christmas,” Vanessa said back, kissing her gently.

Brooke laid back down, pulling Vanessa close to her. “I can’t believe this is our first Christmas together.”

“First of many, Brookie.”

“I love you.”

Vanessa smiled, warmth spreading through her, despite the blanket of fresh snow outside the window. “I love you too, but we should get up before your mother thinks we’re up to no good.”

Brooke rolled her eyes. “As if I’d let you hit it in my childhood home on Christmas morning.”

“Hey, watch it.You’d be lucky to hit this anytime, anywhere.”

Brooke laughs, her eyes twinkling with happiness. “Oh, I know I’m lucky,” she said, kissing Vanessa deeply.

Vanessa kissed back, hands migrating to rest on the sides of Brooke’s face, in an attempt to feel her even closer. Brooke was the first to pull away, much to Vanessa’s dismay. 

“Let’s go downstairs, baby, my siblings are probably running amok and driving my mother crazy waiting to open gifts.”

Vanessa pouted childishly. “C’mon, Brookie, I changed my mind, I don’t care if your mother thinks we’re up to no good.”

Brooke pinched Vanessa’s side lightly, earning her a dramatic shriek from the other girl. “Well,  _ I  _ care. Besides, maybe there’s a surprise waiting under the tree for you too.”

The thought of a gift from Brooke was enough for Vanessa to spring out of bed and rush down the stairs, Brooke just a few steps behind her. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ December 25, 2018 _

From the moment Brooke woke up, anxiety mixed with excitement made her stomach flip back and forth. It was her third Christmas with Vanessa, and she had the perfect way to make sure the day was nothing short of perfect. They started the day in her childhood bedroom wrapped up in each other, reminiscent of the first Christmas they spent together with Brooke’s family. 

The day’s Christmas activities all felt like a blur and before either knew it, the day was ending with Vanessa in Brooke’s lap, the fireplace cracking in front of them while Brooke’s family chatted idly. It wasn’t until Brooke’s mother eyed them from where they sat on the couch that Brooke knew her mother knew of her plans and there was no way she was getting away with putting her plans off any further.

She awkwardly cleared her throat and tapped Vanessa’s side. “Will you let me up for a second, babe? I gotta go get something.”

Vanessa grumbled a bit and nuzzled her head into Brooke’s neck. “You’re so warm, though.”

Brooke chuckled, kissing the top of her head. “It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

“Fine, it better be worth it,” she said, scooting off of Brooke’s lap, allowing for her to disappear up the staircase.

Upstairs, Brooke gripped the edge of the dresser tightly, staring at herself in the vanity mirror and taking the deepest breath she could muster.

“Don’t be a coward,” she whispered to herself before searching the top drawer for the velvet box she hid in there the day before. 

Turning the box over in her hand over and over she made her way back down the stairs. Her mother looked at her expectantly while the rest of their family seemed to be in their own worlds. 

Before anxiety could get the best of her, she stood in the middle of the room, her stance gaining the attention of a few, including Vanessa. Wringing her hands, another anxious habit, she cleared her throat, the rest of the room turning to look at her.

‘So, um, I hope no one minds, but I just had one more gift I wanted to give. Vanessa, would you come over here, please?”

Confusion written on her features, Vanessa gets up to stand in front of Brooke, her skin burning at the sudden attention being all on her. 

Taking one of her hands, Brooke rubs her thumb over the top of Vanessa’s hand,a gesture so simple to some but it was her favorite way of saying ‘I love you’ without saying it.

Taking a shaky breath, Brooke steadies herself and allows herself to only focus on Vanessa, which grounds her. Vanessa’s big brown eyes are filled to the brim with love and Brooke ignores all the other eyes on her as if they’re both in their own little world, closed off like they’re a picture perfect moment on a Christmas card. 

“Vanessa,” Brooke paused, she’d thought about this moment hundreds of times. About what she’d say, what she’d do, and yet nothing that came to mind felt right. Her mouth felt dry and her hands started to shake but then Vanessa squeezed her hand and looked up at her with the sweetest expression she could muster, and Brooke knew that this was what she wanted. That Vanessa was what she wanted.

“I love you,” Vanessa mouthed silently, encouraging her to go on and suddenly everything fell into place. Brooke lowered herself to one knee, silence falling over the room as Vanessa clapped a hand over her mouth in surprise.

“Ness, I knew from the day that we met at that New Year’s party two years ago that you were gonna be special to me. Every year since we’ve spent Christmas together and as a former self proclaimed grinch I am happy to say that you thawed my heart towards the holiday and made me love the season, as long as I’m sharing it with you. That being said, you’ve given me the best gift I could ever ask for just by loving me. Will you marry me?”

Brooke opens the box to reveal the ring, sparkly and elegant and everything that Brooke knew Vanessa would love. 

“Brooke,” Vanessa sniffled, wiping the tears that fell down her cheeks away, “yes, I’ll marry you.”

Brooke stood up and gingerly placed the ring on Vanessa’s finger before sweeping her up in her arms and spinning her around until they were both dizzy.

“I love you so much,” Brooke whispered against her hair, “I can’t wait to marry you.”

When they pulled apart Brooke’s whole family erupted in applause, shouting congratulations over one another and it was all perfect. 

  
  
  
  
  


_ December 25, 2020 _

Cold wrapped itself around Vanessa as she stood outside her mother’s home, the same home she grew up in. Through the window she could see twinkling lights illuminating the inside and it all managed to make her feel a little emptier. It was all so fresh, Brooke leaving. And maybe this would all be easier, if Vanessa had been able to face her family on Thanksgiving, but she couldn’t. She could barely take the pity in her mother’s voice the last time they talked on the phone. And now she had to face the rest of her family’s pity as she showed up alone, no tall blonde by her side. She took a deep breath before knocking on the door, her mother opening it with a sad smile and open arms almost immediately. 

“Oh, mija,” she said, enveloping Vanessa in her arms, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

A forced smile made its way to Vanessa’s lips, but it didn’t reach her eyes, which was common for her as of late. 

“I’m glad I’m here too, Ma.”

It was true, maybe being here was better than sitting in her apartment alone thinking about when the place used to be teeming with life and love. Everything this time of year seemed to remind her of Brooke’s sudden absence in her life. Even when she decorated the sad little Christmas tree her mom sent her to put up, she noticed how she was too short to reach the top part of the tree, thus resulting in her almost falling trying to stand on a chair to reach and then ultimately giving up and leaving the top almost bare before Silky came over and had a fit about the lack of a star on top. 

“C’mon, let’s go inside, you’ll freeze to death out here.”

Vanessa let out a sad laugh as if she hadn’t already considered that, letting herself sit in the bitter cold until the warmth of spring would hopefully thaw her out once again. But life went on she supposed, Brooke’s did. She knew that well enough from stalking her social media every night before bed. But still, she followed her mother inside, the cheerfulness in the air plummeting a bit as everyone around her took her in with sympathetic expressions on their faces. 

Vanessa tried to make the most of the night, after all Christmas was her favorite holiday. Painting on a forced smile for the rest of the night, she got through it with candy cane shots and the image of Brooke by her side pushed into the deepest part of her conscience. 

Once everyone left, she was drunk enough that there was no way she’d make it home in one piece, so her mother’s couch was her only option.

“Nessie, I’m so worried about you,” her mother said softly, brushing hairs away from her daughter’s eyes.

“I’m okay mom, or I will be. Eventually.”

Her mother nodded. “I know. You’re tough. You’ll get through this, without her.”

The mention of ‘her’ made Vanessa feel sick to her stomach, or maybe it was all the alcohol about to come up, but still, it felt like every feeling Vanessa had felt as of late was a result of her. 

“Mom, please, just don’t.”

Ms. Mateo nodded. “Okay, I’m sorry. I love you.”

“I love you too, mom.”

“Get some rest, okay?”

“Okay.”

Ms.Mateo leaned down and kissed her daughter’s forehead before leaving the room and leaving Vanessa to her own devices.

Vanessa was so close to falling asleep and letting the memories of today be just that, memories, when the shrill sound of her phone ringing pulled her away from falling into dreamland. Without hesitation, she picked it up and clicked the accept button without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Hey, um-”

“Brooke?”

“Yeah, hi, I’m sorry I’m calling you so late, you’re probably in bed already.”

Vanessa was stunned for a moment, why was Brooke calling her in the middle of the night like this? Maybe Brooke missed her too, the thought felt like wishful thinking though. 

“I haven’t gone to bed yet, is everything alright?”

Brooke exhaled on the other line. “Yeah, I’m fine, I just wanted to call and say merry Christmas.”

Vanessa felt disappointment settle in the pit of her stomach.”Merry Christmas,” she said back, her voice devoid of any emotion.

“Well, um, I’m still at my parents’ so I better get going. Merry Christmas, again, I hope you had a good day with your family.”

Something stirred in Vanessa, maybe it was more hurt but it felt like anger. “Yeah, I did. Merry Christmas, Brooke.”

Without saying another word, Vanessa hung up the phone, throwing it on the coffee table next to her, but not without deleting Brooke’s contact with shaky fingers first, sealing off that chapter of her life for good. 

  
  



End file.
